Hellboy's House of Rammstein

As Hellboy fought, he felt something thundering towards him and use him for a spring board, leaping over his shoulder and into the fray in front of him, a shower of flames following the figure as it landed. There stood a woman, some sort of handhold flame thrower grasped tightly in her hands, the nozzle pointed at the beasts as she lit them on fire, a hellion smile lighting up her face every time the flame’s light caught it.

Just as he was about to call out to her, a second figure flew by him, this time sliding beneath his legs as it threw something sparkling into the air, catching a few with whatever it was that she’s thrown. Loud bangs filled the air as the other woman stood, dusting off her pants as she lit the lighter in her hand, pulling a small firecracker from between her teeth and lighting it calmly.

“Hey Red, you’d best move your ass!” She shouted, tossing the thing high into the air above them, watching as it exploded. “You’re going to get the shit blown out of you!”

Hellboy nodded with a mutter under his breath, taking a step forward towards them as one of the creatures flew up behind him, knocking him flat on his stomach before flying up high to circle. The women watched, their smiles dwindling as the beast hit Hellboy hard, latching onto his throat as it screeched in his face, starting to strangle the life from him as clawed hands circled his massive red throat tightly, nails pushing into the skin there.

Hellboy struggled, but whatever he did couldn’t seem to shake the beast…until it erupted into a shower of parts and flesh and flames, covering the front of him in the remains. He blinked up at the two women now standing around him, fighting still though it was apparent they’d blown whatever it was pinning him down to Hell and then some. It was like they’d not even given it a second thought.

“Who the Hell are you two?” Hellboy shouted from his spot back down on the ground, still pinned to the floor by two massive claw-ended arms. The creature that had been straddling him was now reduced to charred rubble courtesy of these two women and half a stick of mysterious dynamite. “And what the Hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Well, I figured we were playing along…Was I wrong?” The nearest woman said, her head adorned with a matching hat to her companions, goggles shinning in the artificial light as she tucked a few fly-aways back into her low bun and beneath her hat. She had a distinct American accent. “In that case, we’re blowing shit up to keep your ass from biting the big one. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds like a load of shit Captain.” The other woman said, also with an American accent, shoving a wayward hand into her satchel, pulling it out to reveal a handful of what appeared to be tampered with fireworks. She smiled before flicking the lighter in her other hand to life, lighting them as she turned to the small group. “And I think you’d all best move your asses before this party really gets started.”

“Best idea I’ve hear all night, FM.” The Captain said, smiling and pulling her goggles down around her eyes, her companion doing the same as she turned and threw her handful as hard as she could. “Let’s do this!”

“Hey, I asked you two a question! Who are you two?” Hellboy said, shooting another monster between the eyes as it snuck up on the group, a determined look in his eyes. “And what are you still doing here? We evacuated the building almost thirty minutes ago!”

“Was that what all those flashing lights and men in suits were for?” The one going by FM asked curiously, another firecracker tucked between her teeth as she shoved some curly hair out of her face and back behind her hat. “Whoops…”
“No stalling. Your names.” He growled again. “Now!”

“Hey, now big guy, easy… I’m Captain Baroness Freifrau. This lovely lady here, the one with the explosives, is my First Mate Pilot.” The woman with the bun said, pointing in turn to them both in turn, shooting another stream of fire out over the crowd of beasts with her other hand. “And we’re not stalling; we’re helping if you hadn’t noticed.”

“And it isn’t just because you enjoy fire and explosives?” Hellboy said, shooting another monster, watching the two women carefully. “And fake names, apparently.”
“Well, I do like blowing shit up, but these critters aren’t what I call much fun.” Said Pilot, a frown creasing her forehead as she tossed some more bombs after lighting them on the Captain’s pilot light quickly. “They’re sort of…yeah. So don’t get your undies in such a wad.”

“Agreed…but in all reality, we couldn’t get out. Those things ate some of the dudes in suit near the exit we were going to take, and so we had to back track. They got the rest of the group we were with.” The Captain said, more flames dancing in the reflection of her goggles. “So we grabbed some weapons and high tailed it away from them. Key to survival and all that jazz.”

“And here we ran into you!” Pilot finished, turning to grin up at Hellboy. “So big guy, what do you say we get the Hell out of here already?”

--

“May I ask how you got those in past security, Pilot?” The Captain asked curiously as she stood back to back with her First Mate, Hellboy sandwiched in with them as they fought their way into the heart of the madness and back towards the stage where Hellboy had come from in the first place. “I didn’t think they’d let you keep them.”

“They didn’t… Who knew you couldn’t have TNT and Fireworks at a show with pyrotechnics?” She said, shrugging as she dug more out of her bag, twisting the wicks together and lighting them before throwing them up into the air. “Hid my bag under my shirt, looked like I was Preggo. They didn’t ask questions.”

“Really? Brilliant, should have thought of that!” The Captain said as she shot a length of flame out of the small Flambé thrower she had held tightly in her grip, catching one of the rapidly approaching beasts and setting it aflame. It screamed and whirled away quickly. “I could have told them that I wasn’t done with my operations just yet and brought my flame thrower!”

“You might have gotten on stage with that one!” The woman laughed, lighting another group of fire and throwing it over Hellboy’s shoulders, ducking and holding her ears as they exploded loudly. “You know how Till loves a good tranny joke!”

“I know, right?” She said, running behind her friend as Hellboy cut a path through the mob in front of them with his revolver, heading towards a group of downed speakers piled into the corner of the room. It would be the perfect hiding spot for now. “Too bad I never got a chance to get up there.”

“You might get it yet kid.” Hellboy said, wheezing as she shoved a few speakers up for them to crawl under as they reached the pile. “You just might.”

--

“They’re still out there, aren’t they FM?” The Captain asked curiously as her First Mate slowly looked up over the top of the downed pile of speakers, her feet perched on the top one as she kept a look out. Her hand was full of unlit dynamite, the lighter tucked tightly into the other one. “What are they doing?”

“They’re waiting for us to run out of options.” Hellboy said irritably while checking his revolver, sighing as he snapped the clip back to with his last set of rounds in it. “Or out of ammo. Whichever comes first. Speaking of which… Kid, how much you got left in that bag?”

“Enough to blow this whole place to kingdom come.” She said, not taking her eyes off the scene before her to actually look. “And I know what we’re going to do.”
“Oh yeah Pilot, what’s up?” Her companion said, climbing up to look over the top of the speakers with her. Suddenly her eyes caught something. “Wait, who’s that over there?”

“I don’t know, but he’s been trying to communicate with me since we took cover. He’s got a flamethrower over there, along with some other explosives, and is ready to use it on my signal. Which brings me to my plan, actually.”

“Which is?” Her friend insisted.

“You know, in all stages there has to be an escape trap door in it in case of fire or something else, as a precaution you know. That’s where we’re going to head to, and hope that they’re not at the other end waiting for us.” She drew out a large handful of whatever she had in the bag still. “You two ready? I’m going to signal our friend over there.”

“Ready…wait, what are you talking about?” Hellboy said, even as he saw her raise up and light the handful of fireworks in her possession. “Are you crazy?”

“Probably… On my count, ready? One, two, three!” She said, throwing the fireworks at the same time the other person set off the flamethrower, the shower of flames lighting a few of the creatures nearest to him on fire as he scrambled out of his hiding place and towards the middle of the stage where the other group was headed. “Run like Hell!”

The three ran just as she’d said, jumping over downed equipment and pyrotechnical set ups as they made their way through a screeching horde of angry, flying creatures. The hissing fueled them till they reached their destination, sliding to a halt as the other figure met up with them and Hellboy ripped the door open, shoving the man down there first as the two women stood back to back, throwing whatever they had left at the beasts before Hellboy tossed them down after the man, following them with the heavy steel trapdoor.

The trapdoor banged shut long enough for him to bolt it, and then jump down the rest of the stairs to the rest of the party. When he landed, he heard the rather loud groans of the two women, but didn’t see the man who’d gone down first in what light he actually had. It was also pitched black down here…he could have been anywhere.

“Hey, you know what; in a fireproof passage I thought that they were supposed to not put flammable shit down here.” One of them groused, pushing themselves up off the other one, bones cracking harshly. “Cause it feels soft…”

A voice spoke up in German, saying something highly muffled by the body of another person. The two women squeaked and leapt up, Pilot whipping her lighter out of her pocket and lighting it to see who they’d landed on. Flake Lorenz, the keyboard player, looked up at them from his smashed position on the floor, a hand held to his head where his hat and been knocked off by the force of the impact.

“Oh my god, we crushed Flake!” They cried in unison, pulling them man up to pat him off and check him over hurriedly. Both women were patting him down much more then they needed too, but neither seemed to notice his uncomfortable nature as they continued. “We’re so, so sorry Mr. Lorenz!”

He said something back in German, which made both women blush slightly as Hellboy turned back to appraise the situation. (He’d heard them, but he’d choose to ignore it for now.) From above them he could hear scratching and clawing at the metal stage door, a signal that the beasts where trying to follow them down here. He couldn’t let that happen, and, by the sounds of the women, they’d found the missing member of the band that had been playing.

Good.

Now they could get out of dodge.

Without warning, Hellboy shoved by both women to scoop the man up and throw him over his shoulder, the man protesting loudly in German as he did so. The insults and words weren’t lost on him, but there wasn’t time for this, and he wasn’t sure if he’d been hurt when the women fell on him, so he didn’t want to risk it and have to back track while they were running away from whatever those nasty things were.
This was the best way.

“Come on ladies, we’re getting out of here.” He said, starting off down the hallway, the protests of the man he carried ringing in his ears loudly as they ran for cover. “We’re out of here!”

--

“You know, in retrospect this wasn’t the best idea!” Shouted FM as she ran down the long metal corridor on the heels of Hellboy, who was still carrying the confused and peeved band member. “It’s like a one way food supply! What if they’ve found the other side?”

A loud, scraping sound echoed in the hallway behind them, followed by a roar that drew chills up everyone present’s spines. It was monstrous, truly horrible sounding, and not something any of them wanted to meet anymore.

“Your focus should be on running, because the question is ‘what if they’ve gotten in already?’ I don’t know about you, but I’ve got my hands full here!” He jostled Flake a bit, the man protesting in German once more. “So keep running!”

The absence of movement from behind him caused him to stop against his will and better judgment, turning to look for the two women who had, up until that point, been keeping up with him rather well. As it turned out, with his little night vision, he could hardly see their forms outlined in the darkness, but when FM flicked the lighter on in her hand, the whole tunnel lit up. The light doused the reflective hall with pale light, but it was more than enough for Hellboy to see what she and the other crazy woman were up too…and what they had in their hands.

He did a momentary double-take before taking off like a flash, trying desperately to outrun what he knew was getting ready to occur.

If they survived this, he was going to have a serious talk with those two.

--
The pillar of flames that engulfed the stage and area about them was visible for up to two miles away from the theater, the reports would say later in the week, as a result of a stash of pyrotechnic display catching the fire from the collapsing roof. They would say the list of casualties was a tragedy, but that most of the patrons were rescued in time and that only a few were having hallucinations due to fumes and inhalation of other air born toxins. Those patients had been hospitalized but were expected to make a full recovery.

They would say nothing about the two crazy women or the big red monster that had saved Rammstein.

And they would say nothing about the garbage truck that left shortly after followed by a host of security and flashing lights.

--

“Aw man, we’re so in trouble for this, aren’t we?” Captain asked, looking at Hellboy before glancing behind him at the rest of the men in suits behind him as they approached the group, her hair still sizzling slightly from the fire. “Knew I should have left the flames at home… I don’t have the money for this shit!”

“Well then Captain, I suggest we get the Hell out of this place!” Pilot said, turning on her heel to sprint back towards the entry way they just came from as if the Devil himself were at her feet, stray hair sticking up and slightly singed. “I’m not going anywhere but home!”

Captain turned to follow after the First-Mate, but neither one made it too far when a wall of flames shot up in front of them, halting them in their steps. The two whirled their heads backwards just in time to watch as Hellboy picked them up by the scruff of their necks and the collars of their shirts, a woman smiling before turning away from the scene, the flames dying down as she left. They dangled a good foot up in the air as Red turned back to face his team, both women, quite literally, in hand.

“And just where do you two little firebugs think you’re heading off to?” He said, a slight grin in his face as he chewed the end of his cigar carefully, rolling it around in his mouth. “You’re not skipping town on us that quickly are you? We just met!”

“Oh no, I’ve seen this movie before!” Pilot screeched, trying to wrestle herself out of the man’s monstrous stone grip. “You see shit that the government doesn’t want you to see, and one minute your there, then BAM! You’re gone! I’m not going down like some punk ass!”

“Yeah, you big animal! Get off of us, we didn’t do anything more than help you out!” Captain said, also struggling as he carried them off towards the other men and a tent now set up outback of the stage and amphitheater. “Man, this sucks!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… Keep shouting, like it’s helping you any.” Hellboy said, shoving them through the flaps first, their struggling limbs pushing the flaps aside for them to enter. “Hey, knock it off would yah? You’re going to knock something over or what not.”

“Your mother eats spandex in Hell you behemoth!” Pilot snarled, trying to catch him in a right hook but missing him by several inches. She snarled again, putting more effort into her limited movements. “Put me down right this instant!”
“Ah, Hellboy!” A male voice said, cutting off anything further either woman had to say. “Is this the last of them?”

“Yeah Blue, this is them. The two firebugs.” Hellboy replied to the blue fish man now standing before them, identical gaping looks on their faces as they stared at him. “Set the whole damn stage on fire as we tried to get out of it.”

Neither one spoke up to tell him that it had been an accident and miscalculation.

“Who…who are you?” said Pilot first, her voice trailing off.

“And where did you get those awesome goggles?” The Captain finished, pointing at his headgear curiously. It was like they didn’t care that they were talking to a blue fish man. “They’re freaking awesome!”

Pilot nodded fiercely as Hellboy dropped them, both stumbling slightly as they practically bolted forwards to start circling Abe with fascination. They looked and pointed and giggled as his re-breather, commenting on several contraptions and their functions before moving on. All and all, Abe seemed uncomfortable with the unusual attention. Normally he was rejected…

“And this, this is so awesome! His goggles self seal around his eyes with these nifty little straps!” Captain commented as Pilot leaned on her shoulders to get a better look. “Then they attach with feeding tubes into the take around these…what are these?”

“Those are my gills…” He said, cocking his head slightly and backing up towards the tables where medical equipment was laid out. “And can I have you both sit on an empty table so that one of the medical teams can take a look at you?”

“Yah going to tell us your name hot stuff?” Pilot said, eyeing him up like a cat would a bowl of food before it. “Or are we going to be forced to make something up? We’re pretty creative, aren’t we Captain?”

The women snickered and looked at each other happily.

If it were possible, Hellboy would have sworn he’d turned pink around the gills before he stepped in on the fish man’s behalf, answering the questions for him. He slapped Abe on the shoulder, a smile on his face as he took a cigar out of his mouth happily. He was more than pleased to introduce the backwards and shy man to the two women, regardless of their mental stability.

“This, kids, is the one and only Abraham Sapien! But I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you call him Abe for short, right Blue?” The fish-man nodded quickly, turning away to push him into a chair behind him. “Aw, back to this already?”

“I’m afraid so Red, those women got a good hold on you.” Abe said, beginning his task. “How’d you get these anyways without one of them ripping your throat out?”

“Uh, that would be us…” Pilot said, pointing to herself and then to Captain quickly, her eyes smiling for her as another, younger medic started working on her as more people were herded into the tent. “That Hag had a good hold of him, but we took care of her.”

“Blew her sky high, we did!” Captain howled in laughter, nearly hitting the man walking in front of her to the table between them. “And then we ran our asses off.”

“Zat is und understatement, ja?” The man who’d been seated between them said lightly, rubbing a hand through his long hair carefully. “Ve ran more zan zat!”

Both women openly gaped like fish, they mouths opening and closing like they wanted to say something to Flake Lorenz but couldn’t as they swiveled in their seats to face him fully. They stared wide eyed between themselves at the thin man as his neck and chest were checked and treated for minor burns, his arms covered in blood. (They couldn’t tell if it was his, or someone else’s yet…) He smiled at them both before saying something to the medic in German, but not getting a reply.
Hellboy took interest in him.

“So, how’d you wind up on the stage anyways?” Hellboy asked as he dropped his cigar onto the ground, grinding it in with his hoof as he looked at the worse for wear keyboard player. “I know we got the rest of you out right after the first bitch smashed her way through the stage wall, down through the lower entrance.”

“Cracked ze keyboard over da first creatures head und zen I ran like ze bats of Hell ver at mein feet.” Flake said from the bed next to them, his arm being stitched up as the rest of him was looked over by trained medics. “Mein Gott they ver scary, ja?”

“Yeah, they were nasty, weren’t they?” Captain said as one of the women put a butterfly band-aid against her now stitched up scalp. “They didn’t like the pyrotechnics though, so I’m glad that they decided to attack a show with enough gunpowder to blow up Fort Knox!”

“Yeah, we’d have been screwed otherwise.” Said Pilot, her arm getting wrapped in gauze as she sat in the bed on the other side of Flake, her fingers being treated for minor burns. “Doesn’t matter though, because even though we lived we’re still getting our lives taken away…”

“Aw, that’s no way to be Pilot!” Said Hellboy as Abe Sapien patched him up too, taking care of the nasty gashes across his throat where the original monster had strangled him at. “Just look at it this way, you’re getting an awesome adventure with us all about the world…”

“Yeah, due to my fuck up…” Hissed Pilot as the medic put antiseptic on her wound, causing her to flinch. “Hey, that fucking hurts! Would you watch it?”

“That’s some mouth you’ve got there kid…” Hellboy said, taking a puff of his cigar again as Abe finished up the stitches on the bulk of his neck. “Why don’t you chill it while Doc there finishes fixing you up?”

Pilot growled as Captain blurted in, cutting her off.

“All we want to do is go home, we won’t say anything…but we don’t want trouble.” She said, patiently, eyes set in a glare at Hellboy. “And FM, you didn’t do anything. It wasn’t like you made those freaks totally rip the damn stage apart or eat half the crowd.”

Her tone cut through everyone in the room, effectively silencing them.
“Ja, did you know dat ze asche zeemed to anger dem?” Flake spoke up suddenly, his head turning to look at the two women on either side of them. “Ze didn’t like et und ze freaked at eet.”

“Yeah, now that you mention it…” Said Captain, turning to look at Hellboy. “What the Hell were those things anyways?”

“It doesn’t really matter, now does it Kid?” Red said tiredly as Abe gave him the motion of a full check up done. Seemed he was lucky this time around, all thanks to these two women. “What matters is that we got this under control before it got really out of hand. I’m not sure what their nest was doing under the building next to the auditorium, but we’re going to find out. Don’t you worry.”

“Oh, I’m quaking in my boots…” FM dead-panned tightly, face blank. “All I know is that my fingers are gonna hurt like a bitch in the morning, as is the rest of my body. Dude, this was not what I signed up for when I bought that ticket.”

“Me either Mate, me either.” Captain said, tone just as tired as her friend’s. “Least we got to meet up with the one and only Doktor Flake Lorenz though. Otherwise the night might have been a total loss!”

The bark of laughter that was shared between them wasn’t meant to be in jest, and Hellboy could tell as he looked at the two that they were coping with what they’d seen today in their own ways. But perhaps he could make it up to them somehow…
He had an idea.

“You two, you’re coming with me.” He said, getting up to walk to the entrance of the medical tent. When he turned back to their questioning stares, he merely shook his head and motioned for them to follow. “I said come on already, we’ve got someplace to be.”

They walked as if he were making them march to their dooms.

First Mate even hummed the death march under her breath.

Until they got to the large bus they were headed too, and both of their eyes widened.

“Well you two, after you.” He said, and opened the door. “Your glory awaits.”

--

“Those two kids have had it hard Blue. I feel bad for them in a way.” Hellboy said, throwing back his beer in a manner more like his normal self. “I mean, they watched people around them being eaten alive and then had to fight tooth and nail to escape, only to be ‘killed’ by the government as part of a cover-up.”

Abe just sighed in companionable silence, knowing what the operative next to him said was true. They fought so hard only to be wrenched away from everything they knew, and it did pain them to see it. Especially when they’d been so helpful…and they didn’t even know it.

“The least I could do was introduce them, but the sleeping on the bus was that one dude’s idea, as a thank you present. I thought their eyes were going to bug out! You should have seen the way they stuttered and blushed, like they hadn’t just gotten done blowing up an amphitheater.” He said, laughing a bit before taking another large gulp of his drink. “They didn’t make it long though, crashed out as soon as I left I think.”

“They had a rather long night, Red.” Abe said finally, shaking his head sadly at the mess they were all in over this whole ordeal. “Do you really blame them?”

“Nah, I envy them. They don’t have to do the paperwork!” Hellboy said laughing, starring at a sputtering companion. “But I think that they’ll have to help out with the clean-up. They sure did a number on the stage.”

“Since when do you do any paperwork?” Blue demanded, eyes narrowed as much as large fish eyes could be.

“Since we got two new recruits,” He crushed the can in his hand. “And since I special ordered them.”

Last Edited: September 24, 2010 4:22 PM